Learning to Love
by ishipspirk
Summary: "Captain, you make it so hard not to feel." Spock is a Vulcan. It is only logical that he doesn't have human emotions. But lately, he's been having some very illogical feelings for a hunky Captain Kirk, who's already fallen head over heels for the Vulcan. Follows the plot of Into Darkness with a few twists that I added. It would help if you've seen the movie.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Kirk's POV

How do you love someone who can't feel at all? I don't know how I manage to bear it; especially when that person only feels for someone else. Spock and Uhura seem happy together, even though Spock never even attempts to show feelings for her. At least he gives me that courtesy. Spock doesn't know though. He's very smart, but not when it comes to human emotions. I know that he has no idea just how deeply I've fallen for him, but I wonder if anyone on the ship can tell.

This is the story of the man who learned to feel.

"Where's Spock?" I snapped as soon as Bones and I were beamed into the ship. "Still in the volcano, sir." Scotty reported reluctantly, and my heart froze. I dashed past everyone quickly and raced to the Bridge. "Can we beam Spock up?" I cry as soon as I enter, breathing wildly. Chekov shook his head solemnly. "Is there anything that we can do?" I begged, and I could feel my voice about to crack. "If we get direct contact, like perhaps going over the volcano, but I can't promise that the ship will keep that altitude." Checkov informed me, and I sighed. "Also, there's a substantial amount of heat radiating from the top. The Enterprise is strong, but she's capable of burning away." Scotty added. I crossed my arms over my chest, looking at Uhura.

"He's back online, sir." She reported diligently.

"Spock!" I shouted. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Sir, I've heard your entire conversation. Do not attempt to beam me up, for this is not the prime directive of the Enterprise ship." He said calmly.

"Spock, I will not leave you down there! I can't let you die!" I snapped. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." He reminded me, and I lost it. "SPOCK!" I yelled, and the whole Bridge got quiet. "We are talking about your life. I'm not going to let you die."

"Captain, while I appreciate it, I strongly advise you not to break this rule. I am not as important as Star Fleet." He told me, and in such a calm manner. Hearing him say that made my heart break. If only he knew how much he meant to me. He wouldn't say things like that, he wouldn't think that he was worthless! I would risk the entire Enterprise ship just so that I could keep him safe.

Scotty walked up to me. "Captain? I know how you feel about him, but-" He looked at me and couldn't say anything else. Did I really look that desperate? Oh, I'd forgotten that I told Scotty about my secret.

"Spock-" I tried, but I was too worked up to say anything else. "Bones, if I were there, and he were here, what would he do?" I whispered. "He'd let you die." Bones answered honestly, glancing at me. My heart sunk. I knew it was true, but I felt like that somewhere, deep in his heart, I was important to Spock too. Even if he wasn't supposed to feel anything. I don't think that he would let me die, but I know for a fact that I couldn't let him.

"Sulu. Take us to the volcano." I said, and Scotty's mouth fell open. "With all sure respect, Captain-" He protested, putting his hand over Sulu's controls. "With all due respect to you, Scotty, I believe I gave Sulu an order." I snapped, and Scotty rolled his eyes, releasing his hand from the controls.

When Spock arrived onto the ship, I raced into the beaming room to make sure he was okay. "Spock!" I cried joyfully. "Are you okay?" I gasped, scanning his body. He just looked at me with a confused glance. "You ignored the prime directive." He announced in shock as Bones rolled his eyes. "Kirk, he's fine."

"What was I supposed to do, Spock? Let you die?" I was taken back. He could have just said thank you. I was pretty sure that I just saved his life. Spock just took of his gear, keeping his eyes locked on me in confusion. I rolled my eyes and walked out of the room, angry. How could Spock think that I would just let him die?

I stormed into the elevator, stabbing the button angrily. Spock ran after me and squeezed in with me, hitting the stop button. "What do you want, Spock?" I sighed, turning to him. "I'm just dumbfounded. How could you risk the Enterprise like that, just to save me?" He asked, intense brown eyes glaring into my blue ones. If only he knew how much his eyes made me melt on the inside. They were so captivating.

"Spock, I'm a human. We care about some people, and I care about you. You know that, right?" I asked, and he shrugged. "You care about everyone on the ship." Spock pointed out. Frustration built up inside of me. How the fuck did Uhura stand him? "Just answer me this; would you have gone back for me?" I tried, turning and gazing into his eyes. He looked back, opening his mouth, hesitant. "You are my captain, therefore it would at least be slightly logical to go after-" "No, Spock!" I snapped, and he stopped talking. "Would you go back for me? Jim Kirk. Not Captain." I said again, and he didn't say a word. He began to say something, and couldn't. "The logical thing would be to leave you, Captain." He explained slowly, and I rolled my eyes, hitting the button for the Bridge. The elevator jerked and started up. "Logic isn't always right, Spock." I said, and then walked onto the Bridge, leaving a very confused Vulcan behind me.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Spock's POV

"Captain!" I yelled, seeing Jim walk across the Star Fleet entrance room. He looked at me with piercing blue orbs, and then rolled them, walking away from me. I frowned, chasing after him. We ended up in the elevator. "Captain, I realize now that I should have told you that I filed a report about the volcano. I apologize." I told him. "It's not Captain anymore, Spock. It's First Officer. I was demoted, and you were reassigned." He responded, his arms crossed at the wrists as he held his hat politely. "You were demoted?" I blinked. I was unaware of that. "Spock, I saved your life, and you stabbed me in the back. That's what I know, and that's what bothers me about you." He snapped. I could see the hurt hidden in his face, and I almost squirmed. He was making me feel guilty. Sometimes, Jim made it so hard not to feel. "I was under the impression that you would have been honest in your Captain's log." I tried to defend myself, and the elevator doors opened, Jim walking out in front of me angrily. I didn't like when Jim was upset. "Commander, I wish you would just accept my apology-" I started, and he whirled around, glaring at me intensely with those huge blue eyes. I didn't like that it made something inside me stir. I pushed it away.

"Do you understand why I went back for you?" Jim begged me, hurt rubbed all over his expression. It pained me slightly to see that I was the cause of his sadness. "Quite frankly, no." I admitted. He rolled his eyes. I could tell he was restraining something, but I had no clue what it could be. "Mr. Spock." I turned to see Captain Barry in front of me. "It seems that you have been reassigned. That means you're with me, Commander." He smiled, and I blinked in return. He walked away, and I turned back towards Jim. He was shaking his head, and then looked back at me. "Truth is, Spock, I'm going to miss you." He admitted, and he looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something. I wanted to say that I would miss him too, but Vulcans don't lie. I wouldn't allow myself to miss Jim, because it would hurt too much. He scoffed and walked away, leaving me standing by the door. Ugh. He always makes me feel, and I hate feeling. Not even Uhura coaxes that many feelings out of me. Damn that man.

I sit down next to Captain Barry, fidgeting. Admiral Marcus began speaking about John Harrison, but I couldn't pay attention. I was watching Jim, noticing little details about him. Like the way his eyebrows creased together when he was focusing hard. The way he tapped his fingers on the desk as Marcus made a stupid joke and he refused to laugh. The way his hair always somehow managed to go up, even though he had bangs, just like me. Jim rolled his shoulders back, and then looked up at me. I immediately looked away, my heart thumping nervously. I cursed it angrily. Jim does not make me feel anything, I said to myself. Oh, who the hell was I kidding?

Jim's POV

I sat down next to Captain Pike. I couldn't believe that I was going to be stuck as a First Officer. But more importantly, how could Spock not understand why I went back for him? I thought it was obvious how in love with him I was. Scotty is the only one who actually knows the secret. Fortunately for me, he also knows all the gossip. So I usually ask him if anything is going around about me and Spock, but he says that no one suspects a thing.

I sensed someone's eyes on me, and I looked up, surprised to find Spock staring at me. When I met his eye, he looked away awkwardly, and I caught his face flush slightly. I looked down too, feeling a blush appear on my cheeks as well. Why was he staring at me? Damn Spock for making me feel this way.

Ever since I met him, I knew I wasn't going to like him. And I don't. Like and love are two very different things. Like means that you appreciate cute little things that person does, or the way they dress. The cute little things that Spock does makes me want to punch him in the face. No, love is an aching want. I cherish the way he looks at me, and everytime I see him, I want to kiss him, run my fingers through his always perfect hair, and much more. But I can't. And that is love.

I don't like him specifically, because of how hard I fell for him the second that I saw him. I knew instantly, when his eyes met mine, that I was a goner. And surprise, surprise. It would be my bad luck for the love of my life to be m emotionless robot.

Spock's POV

"Clear the room!" Jim screamed, and then the glass windows started shattering. I ducked under the table, and saw Admiral Marcuz dive behind a cement column. Several Captains and First Officers were already shot, and more were on the move, looking for safe objects to hide behind. The one person I couldn't find was Jim. "COMMANDER KIRK!" I yelled, looking around for him wildly. "Don't be dead, goddamnit Jim." I growled, ducking behind a couch. As I did, I saw Captain Pike struggling to move across the floor to safety. His leg wasn't working. I started to move towards him cautiously, and then he was shot again in the shoulder, knocking him back. I shouted in surprise and raced forward, grabbing him and dragging him into a deep room, away from the gunfire. He was breathing heavily, eyes boring into mine. Tears were forming pools in the edges of his eyes, and I knew he was going to die. I was going to choose not to feel, and then had another idea. I connected two of my fingers to his cheek, and my thumb under his chin, and felt what he felt. I was hit instantly with anger, anger with John Harrison for trying to kill him. Also, there was a blinding fear that he wasn't going to make it, and the smallest sliver of acceptance, like he knew that it was impossible for him to survive at this stage. But most of all, there was a strong blast of desperation, mostly to see how Jim was going to turn out. Pike was eager to know what was going to happen in the future, but there was also a desperation to see the man one last time, as if to say goodbye. I disconnected from his feelings, swallowing hard. It was exactly what I had felt when my planet was destroyed. I shook it all away, and then suddenly, Jim appeared next to me. He looked at Pike and sunk to his knees, breathing hard. His eyes became extremely wide, his breath catching in his throat. He looked at me wildly for a moment, searching my eyes for something. I watched painfully as Jim checked Pike's pulse, and began to cry as he realized that his friend was gone.

I tried not to feel as I watched Jim sob. I felt a small tear in my heart as Jim rested his head on Pike's chest, his fingers curling around Pike's jacket. He lifted his head after a few moments, blinking away fast tears.

I wanted to do something. I wanted to be able to comfort Jim, to let him know that I was here for him, and that everything would be okay. I could have given him... a- a hug. I believe that's what humans do. I tried to tell myself that it was logical in the human world, that it was simply protocol for me to comfort Jim. But I just couldn't. I cursed my Vulcan senses, but at least they allowed me not share the pain that Jim felt, looking at his past Captain. Jim eventually stood up, and put his hand on my shoulder. I froze as I felt electricity shoot through me where he touched me. He didn't say anything, and I knew that he was partly comforting me, though I didn't need it, and at the same time, giving me a chance to comfort him. I just stared at Pike, knowing I couldn't give Jim what he wanted. His hand left my shoulder, and he walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Kirk's POV

"Scotty has found something in the remains of Harrison's ship, and has requested to see us immediately." Spock reported, and then hung up. I dressed quickly and raced to the lobby of the Star Fleet building. Spock was waiting for me, and directed me towards an enormous balcony, were Scotty was holding a huge bag. "What is it, Scotty?" I breathed, tired from all of the running, but wound up with excitement. "This is how he got away, Sir. He used a government transporter." Scotty reported angrily. "Can you find out where he went?" I demanded. "I already did, Sir. And you're not going to like it. He's gone to the one place that, we- we just can't go." I looked at the map and groaned. Spock looked at the machine harshly, but made no sound or expression as he looked at me for further directions. "Commander, I advise that we go straight to the Admiral." He suggested and I rolled my eyes. "You're right, Spock. Let's go."

Spock's POV

"Admiral! He's not on Earth!" Jim shouted upon entering the board room. Admiral frowned, crossing his arms angrily. I knew that we'd entered rudely, but this was urgent news. "He's on Kronos, Sir." Jim reported. I simply watched as Jim explained everything that he could do the Admiral, and admired how straight-forward he'd been in asking for command of his ship back. I was slightly impressed by how quickly he had recovered from the sadness of Pike's death. There is usually a longer grieving period, but Jim just looked excited, and ready to jump into action. "I'd like permission to appoint Spock as my First Officer." Jim requested, looking over at me. I looked back at him in confusion. That was unexpected. I thought... I thought that Jim didn't trust me. I looked at the floor, a small beam of happiness entering me. I pushed it out, composing myself. I had to teach myself how to not feel around Jim. It was getting to be a problem.

Kirk's POV

"Good morning, Spock." I said, buckling into a seat down from him. He looked at me, and I swore I was a glimmer of happiness in his eyes. Just as soon as it arrived, it disappeared. I must have been imagining it. "Good morning, Captain." He nodded to me, and I shifted away from Bones who was running metal detection objects all over me. "Thank you for requesting my reinstatement as First Officer." Spock said, and I smiled at him. "You're welcome, Spock." "And as your First Officer, I advise you against this mission." He piped up, and I rolled my eyes. "Of course you do."

"It is highly illogical, Captain and-"

"Spock, this is not a regular guy. He killed thousands of unarmed Captains and First Officers, and Captain Pike." I reminded him painfully.

"There is a rule in Star Fleet that no man is to be harmed or imprisoned without a trial, something that you and Admiral Marcus are forgetting." He argued, blinking at me with that extraordinary calmness that he always seemed to have. It made my blood boil.

"This is not up for negotiation, Spock. We have direct orders from Admiral Marcus, and- BONES. Get that thing off my face." I ordered, as the doctor pressed a stethoscope to my cheek. He rolled his eyes and removed it.

"Captain Kirk?" I hear, and turn around to see a beautiful woman standing in front of me. "Carol Wallace. I've been sent by Admiral Marcus to accompany you on the trip." She reported, handing me a clipboard. Spock glanced at it and frowned. "You requested another science officer, Captain?" It was hard to miss the surprise written all over his face. "I wish I had." I laughed, looking over her credentials.

"Graduated with honors in Science, specializing in advanced weaponry." I read aloud. It was hard to miss the sourness in Spock's voice. "Impressive credentials." Spock said, and she nodded to him polietly. "Thank you."

"But redundant, now that I am back on board the Enterprise." He added, looking at me, hurt. I shrugged. "Yet, the more the merrier." I smiled to myself seeing him squirm; it was quite amusing. She sat in the seat between us, and I noticed Spock jerk his arm away at her touch. This was going to be fun.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Spock's POV

I stormed onto the Enterprise, digging deep down into my Vulcan roots. I did not like that Carol girl one bit, and I especially didn't like the way that she looked at Jim. I really wanted the Vulcan emotion barriers to do their thing, but I noticed with frustration, that the human part of me kept tearing them down. That happened sometimes.

"Spock!" I heard, and I turned around to see Bones running after me. "Dr. McCoy." I dipped my head to him, folding my hands together behind my back. "What can I do for you?" "I'd like to speak with you privately, Mr. Spock, if you have the time." He requested, and I was startled. Usually, Bones didn't interfere with me too much. I had the feeling that he didn't really like me. "I do." I accepted. I have to admit, I was pretty curious. I followed him into the medical lab, and then further into his office.

"Spock, what's going on with you?" He asked. I blinked. "I do not know what you are referring to, Doctor." I replied. "Oh, come on, Spock. It was hard to miss the jealousy on your face when that new science officer came aboard." He smirked, arms folded across his chest. A bolt of a anxiety shot through me. "It is highly impossible for me to have been jealous, since I am a Vulcan, and we are not capable of having emotion, including envy." I reminded him, and he rolled his eyes. I could tell that he sensed that I was tossing him fake answers. "Doctor, if I speak honestly with you, you must swear to me that what I say does not leave this room, nor your mouth, do you understand?" I tell him. It felt logical to tell someone the truth, as Vulcans do not lie. He nodded, sitting down. "That seems logical, Spock." He agreed.

It took me a moment to access the human part of me. "Doctor, as you very well may know, because I remind all of you frequently, Vulcans cannot feel. We do not express emotions, and we do not have them. However, since I am part human, there was an exception in my creation. Inside of me, there is a war. Most of the time, the Vulcan part of me wins. It creates strong barriers within me, and blocks human emotions that may try to come through." I paused, and he nodded at me to notify me that he was following. I swallowed before saying the next part. "However, Doctor, Captain Kirk has a way of bringing those human emotions to the surface. I do not know how he is capable of it, or whether he does on purpose or not, but I always have to work extra hard not to feel when I'm close to him. To be quite honest, I do not know or understand why." I finished, looking shyly up at Bones. He was grinning at me. "Spock, what kind of emotions had Jim brought out in you lately."

"Well, for one, I was really scared for him at the Captain's meeting. I- I couldn't see him anywhere." My voice shook slightly as I remembered what that felt like. "Then, I was pleased when he asked me to be First Officer again. And yes, I supposed I was a little jealous when Officer Wallace was allowed onto the ship. It made me feel like Captain Kirk didn't need me." I confessed, and then my eyes widened in horror. I was such a shame to my planet! I had to sit down, my eyes glaring into my lap.

I looked up and saw that Bones looked extremely pleased. "Spock, it's okay. What you're experiencing with Jim, sounds to me, like you have a little crush." He laughed, and I turned to him. "What do you mean, Doctor?" I asked, frowning. "It just means that you care for him a little bit more than you care for anyone else. And that's okay, really." He promised me, and I shook my head. "No. I refuse to allow myself to feel anything but loyal to my Captain." I decided, and Bones sighed. "Okay, Spock. Oh, and I won't tell anyone. Uhura, especially, can't find out about this." He told me, and I locked eyes with him. I'd completely forgotten about Uhura. "It's like anything I've ever felt for her is gone." I tell him, and he gives me a knowing smile. "Let's get to the Bridge, Spock. Jim will be waiting for you." He said, and lead the way out.

Kirk's POV

I stormed up the stairs. Scotty just quit, Spock was arguing with me in every chance he got. And I hated even more that Spock was getting to me. This mission was supposed to be easy, just kill Harrison and go home. But Star Fleet Regulation mandated that he have a trial... god damn it, Spock!

Uhura tapped my shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear about Pike, Captain." She sighed. "We all are." I told her. "Are you okay?" She begged. "Yes, Lieutenant." I reassured her, and then we hopped onto the elevator.

"Actually, Scotty just quit, and your boyfriend is second-guessing me at every chance he gets." I admitted, and her jaw set angrily. I sighed. "Sorry, that was inappropriate, but I just feel like he's doing... I don't know, maybe it's just me." I stammered, but I hated having to talk with her about it. It was her boyfriend after all, and it was stupid to talk to her about him when I was in love with him. "It's not just you." She snapped, sighing. "What?" I asked. "It is not just you." She said more clearly. "Oh my god. Are you guys fighting?" I gasped. "What is that even like?" I laughed, and she rolled her eyes, storming out of the elevator. Spock was waiting, and he frownded when he looked at the two of us.

"Spock, may I speak with you privately?" I asked, and I squinted as I thought I saw a flash of alarm in his eyes. "Yes, Captain?" He asked, stepping into the elevator with me and closing the door, pressing the stop button. What was up with him and having private conversations with me always in the elevator?

"Spock, I have to talk with you about Uhura. It's not going to be a problem, having you two aboard this ship, is it?" I asked, squinting at him. Of course, I wanted him to say that it would be, but at the same time, I didn't think Spock would be capable of even realizing there was a problem in the first place.

"Unclear, Captain." He reported, and my eyebrows raised. "How so, Commander?" I asked. "I am unsure that I would even like to be in a relationship with her." He spilled, his brown eyes losing their steadiness momentarily.

"Why?" I demanded. "There... there may be someone else Captain." He said, and my heart trembled. I knew it wasn't me, but the thought gave me false hope. "Ahh. So, who is it then?" I asked, crossing my arms and trying to seem cool about it. Spock looked at me in alarm. "As I cannot lie, Captain, I would really prefer not to give you that information, in fear of your human feelings." He said instead and I eyed him curiously. "It's Officer Wallace, isn't it?" I sighed. That was the only person I could think of that would possibly make him think that he could offend me with. Everyone seemed to think that I had a thing for her. "No, sir." He protested, and I shrugged my shoulders, trying to appear like it didn't bother me. "It's okay, Spock. Just don't let Uhura and Carol distract you from your duties, do you understand?" I told him, and pressed the start button for the elevator. "Captain Kirk, I assure you that nothing that would interest me in Officer Wallace!" He protested, and the door swung open. "Sure, Spock."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Scotty! Are you on that ship?" I cried. "Affirmative, Jim." He replied, and I could hear his grin through the phone. My heart thumped with relief. Maybe there was a way for me to get on that ship as well... I blinked. "Hold on, Scotty." I started racing towards the exit of the bridge. I felt Spock's eyes on me as I brushed past, and a familiar thump came from my heart at the mere thought of him. "Captain, as you just lied to the Admiral of Khan's whereabouts, may I know the details of your plan?" He asked, and I shrugged. "We have to hurry, Spock." I inform him, and I hear footsteps racing after me. We got onto the elevator.

"Captain, I see you've pressed for the medics floor. Dont tell me that you're going to see Khan." He warned me, and walked alongside me as the doors opened again. I rolled my eyes. "Commander Spock, as the Captain of this ship I have the right to speak with any villains as I please-"

"Captain Kirk-"

"-and seeing how you are just my Commander, I cannot possibly think of reason that you might stop me, and furthermore-"

"Captain, if you would just-"

"-the only logical thing for me to do in this scenario would be to question Khan. Although he is a fugitive-"

"Captain Kirk, please, I just-"

"-he seems to the only person that we have on the Enterprise who has an extended knowledge of Admiral Marcus's ship. So-"

"Captain, listen!"

"-it would only make sense, and no, Spock, I am not conspiring against Star Fleet with a fugitive, I am using him for our advantage, and please don't tell me that you don't wish to save the people on this ship because-"

"JIM!"

I froze. Spock had never, not even once addressed me by my first name. I turned, and I realized that Spock's face was very close to mine. He gripped my arm tightly.

"Please, just listen to me." He begged, and one couldn't mistake the desperation in his voice, even though Vulcans weren't supposed to have emotions. He took in a heavy breath before continuing.

"I just want you to make sure that what you're doing is the right thing. Earlier, you spoke of something called your gut feeling. The human part of me wants me to listen to mine." He explained, and I swear that I saw real, human concern for me in his eyes "Khan is bad news, and I just don't want you to get hurt." He confessed.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Spock." I choked, the anger and frustration welling up inside of me like a dam and I felt about ready to burst. "I just know what I can do." I replied, and then his eyes began searching mine. Our noses were almost touching, and I could feel his heat radiating on to me.

"Please, Jim." He pleaded. There it was again. He called me Jim. I relished the way it sounded in his mouth. Suddenly, his hand was on my waist, his lips close to my ear. "I-I care about you." He drew his head back so that he could look into my eyes.

My own were stretched wide with shock and anticipation. The only thing that I could think about were his lips on mine, and we were so, so close. "I don't know why, but Captain, you make it hard not to feel." He whispered, and then his eyes were locked on my lips. We got a little closer, my eyes flicking up and down from his to his lips. My heart began pounding, butterflies exploding in my stomach. I felt his breath on my upper lip.

"Commander Spock, if you would please report back to the Bridge while Captain Kirk is out." Uhura's fierce voice came over the intercom. He backed away from me, as he watched me with longing and shock in his eyes. I was frozen, not believing what had just happened. And then I watched as his Vulcan barriers rebuilt themselves, sharpening the edges of his face and bringing back the emptiness in his eyes. I watched him leave, my heart pounding in my chest. Spock cares about me. We almost kissed. Oh my God, Kirk, wake up, wake up if this is a dream. I ordered myself, but nothing happened. I floated all the way to the med lab.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Spock's POV

"Spock. You better get down here." Scotty's voice wrenched. I froze. Oh, no, no, no. I realized for the first time that Jim was still not on the Bridge. In that moment, I didn't care who saw me. I needed to get to Jim, and I raced out of the room, desperation throbbing within me.

What was I thinking, telling Jim how I felt about him? That I cared about him? I was just worried. I had been right, too; Khan was bad news. But I hadn't meant to say anything; it just sort of slipped out. Maybe that's what humans do all the time. They ball up their emotions and then suddenly they break. I know that's what must have happened to me.

What if he wasn't okay? What if I had to go on living without him? Oh, God, I didn't know if I could do that. Don't let me lose him.

When I got into the control room, I knew something was wrong by Scotty's face. He was looking at me solemnly. I raced past him to the radioactive center. My heart dropped into my stomach when I was Jim, pale-faced and sweating like a monster behind the doors.

"Open it!" I shouted, furiously glaring at Scotty. Why hadn't he opened it yet? Desperation clawed at my throat, making me next words almost into a whine. "Open in it, please."

"I'm so sorry, Commander Spock. If I opened it now, it would flood the whole compartment, and the bay. I sunk to my knees next to Jim, and watched as he slammed on the last button to close the glass door.

"Spock." He croaked, looking up at me with those blue eyes. "How's the ship?" He gasped. "She's in perfect condition, sir." I reported, unsuccessfully choking back emotion. Come on, Spock, you can do this. Don't feel. It hurts too much.

"I'm scared, Spock." He whimpered, and my heart wrenched in grief. Spock, don't feel. Don't feel. "Help me not to be. How do you choose not to feel?" He pleaded.

The voice in my head faded as I fel my eyes well up with tears. I had never cried before. "I do not know. Right now, I am failing." I sobbed, a yet slipping down my cheek.

Jim's breathy got heavier and less in control. I watched painfully as he coughed. It was all I could manage not to full out bawl. Jim dragged his hand up slowly, placing it on the glass. He brought his blue eyes up to mine.

My hand drifted up, placing it on top of his. I felt sparks where our fingers touched even through the glass. It made me realize that he was the one that I wa supposed to be with, the love of my life. But I was too late.

"I want you to know why I went back for you, Spock." He coughed, blinking up at me softly. "Because you are my friend." I said, and I knew it was true, even though I wished that it was more between us. He was my T'hy'la; friend, brother and lover. I'd found him at last, and I was about to lose him.

He blinked, and coughed once more, which made me wince. He looked up at me sadly, and then mouthed, right before he do, and ever so subtly so that no one could see it; "I love you."

And then his hand dropped, leaving mine.

My eyes widened, and my breathing stopped momentarily. I tried to control the emotion that was in me, but there was no way that I could. Anger bubbles inside of me until I exploded. "KHHHAAAAAAAANNNNNN!" I screamed, bursting into sobs. I looked at Jim, tears pouring down my face, my hands clawing at the glass door. I started pounding on it, trying to open in, to get to him. "Open it! OPEN IT!" I yelled, sobbing. Then Scotty's strong arms were linked through mine, pulling me away. "Spock, I'm so sorry! Spock!" His voice was tagged with grief, and I could hear him crying too. I knew that he was barely keeping it together.

I stormed away. My face hardened, and all I could think was, "Khan. Where's Khan. I have to find Khan. Khan. He killed Jim. I will kill Khan." Rage boiled inside of me, filling my veins, and my mind.

"Where. Is. Khan!" I shouted as soon as I boarded the Bridge, and everyone looked at me, startled. They were not used to seeing me angry and crying. That was their problem, not mine. "Sulu, tell me where Khan is. Now." I ordered, and he pulled it up on the screen. "Can you beam him up?" I demanded, my wild eyes landing on Chekov. "Sorry, Commander, I am confusing him the the debris of the ship." He apologized meekly, and I felt a wince of guilt. It wasn't his fault. Crap, maybe I was losing my Vulcan walls all together. But I couldn't think about that. Khan. Khan. He killed my T'hy'la.

"Can you beam someone down?" I begged, loading my gun. Chekov nodded very seriously. "Good. Beam me down, Chekov." I snapped.

The rest of it happened very slowly. I was in an angry daze. I remember chasing Khan, jumping off of cars and buildings, although some of it is unclear and possibly my imagination. That seems only logical. The part that I do remember very clearly is when I was beating the crap out of him. Also, when Uhura was beamed down. She's a very good fighting partner, very strong for her size. However, how I even begun to think that I had feelings for her was a mystery. Now that I know what's it's like to be in love, small feelings seem... well, small.

The last thing that happened was when I was punching him, about ready to tear his head off, and Uhura was screaming at me from a distance. The only part that really grabbed my attention was when she mentioned Jim.

"Spock, stop! He's our only chance of saving Kirk!" She pleaded, and I froze. I remember hearing Bones talk about the super natural cells that were inside of Khan, and how they reproduced quickly. Maybe, just maybe, they could bring Kirk back to life. I remember delivering one last, final blow to his head, and then allowed Chekov and Sxotty to beam us all up.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Spock's POV

I waited for two weeks. Two unbearable, pain filled weeks. Every morning, I would be in his room and when no one was there, I would practice telling him that I loved him. If he ever woke up. Everyday, I say by him, like a protective watchdog, welcoming visitors. Every night, I slept on the small couch in the corner, refusing to leave him. I'd made a promise to myself that I wouldn't leave him u til he woke up. Sometimes, I wondered if I would have to stay there for the rest of my life. Surprisingly, it sounded like something I was willing to do. Spend every moment of the rest of my life with Jim. It sounded a lot like a human marriage, which was okay with me.

I'd broken up with Uhura too. I didn't tell her why, of course, not even Jim knew yet, but I think she kind of got the message. It was pretty clear what had happened. Also, she said that we didn't have to talk about it, which I assume meant that she wouldn't say anything to anyone as to why it happened.

Also, my Vulcan walls have come back. I still don't feel, although I assume I will start to again when Jim wakes up. But they are still strong, and I still enjoy their company when needed. However, my feelings towards Jim are still somewhat illogical. I think it is because they are unfulfilled; not one person has told me that it is logical, except for Bones. But he doesn't really count, because he always sounds sarcastic, even when I think he's telling the truth. I guess the only person who can say that and make me believe it is Jim, as usual.

You can't imagine how happy I felt when Bones told me that Jim was getting ready to wake up. I was beside myself with excitement. I knew that Jim loved me; he'd practically told me himself. So I was only slightly nervous about telling him that I loved him back.

Kirk's POV

I blinked my eyes open slowly. Holy hell. What happened? Didn't I DIE? But there was Bones, standing across from me. I looked around. I was obviously in a Star Fleet hospital room. "Bones, what happened?" I asked. He tapped on a blood tube. I groaned. "Khan?" He nodded cheerfully. "Are you feeling angry? Homocidal? Destructive?" He laughed, and I smirked. "No more that usual. Thanks, Bones." "Don't thank me." He sighed, and stepped aside.

I grinned. There was Spock, smiling at me ever so slightly. "It's good to see you, Captain." He said, walking over to stand by my bed. "You saved me." I sighed, taking his hand. "Hey. Uhura and I had something to do with it to, you know." Bones interrupted, and I raised my eyebrow at him. "It was only logical as you saved mine-" Spock stammered, and I could tell he was nervous. He only blabbed nonsense when- well, all the time, but I could tell that it was different.

"Spock- Shhh." I sighed, linking my fingers with his. He froze, and I drew my finger slowly across his. I'm not stupid; I know what a Vulcan kiss is. I guess that's why he started blushing so badly.

Bones looked over at Spock, smiled to himself, and was about to exit the room. Suddenly, I seized the bed. A searing, white hot pain rushed through my veins. I screamed, arching my back of the bed. I heard Spock scream too, and suddenly, Bones was strapping me to the bed. I writhed, shouting. It hurt SO bad. A team of medics rushed in, injecting serums into my IV's that were stuck all over.

Through all the pain, I managed to get a look at Spock from into the doctor's heads. He was being held back by more than three doctors. I watched as he furiously tried to thrust his way through them, shouting my names. Tears were streaming down his face. "Jim! No, please!" He cried over and over again, clawing furiously on his way to me. I locked my eyes with his, and his widened.

"It's okay, Spock." I thought, refusing to blink. "I'll be okay." I had already felt the pain fading, filling me with a soft throbbing.

I kept my eyes locked with his for about a half hour. A few doctors were with him in the corner, ready to spring if he freaked out again. But Spock only stood before me, eyes connected with mine. He was fieecely concentrated, which made me feel surprsingly special. It took that long for all of the tests and blood tubes were corrected, and I was safe again. "Sorry about that Captain. Call if you need us." Bones apologized. He looked at Spock, and nodded to the doctors. "Let him go now. Come with me." He ordered, and then closed the door behind us.

There were still tears escaping him, and I sat up, swinging my legs over the bed. He rushed forward sitting a respectable distance away from me. "Captain, I-"

"Oh, come on Spock. I think that we're on a first name basis by now." I joked, but he didn't laugh. I placed my hand on his shoulder, which caused him to look at me. I could see fear, relief, anxiety and tears in his eyes. "Why are you crying?" I murmured, linking my hand with his again.

"I can't lose you again, okay?" He snapped harshly. His voice shook severely.

"Come here. Look at me." I sighed, and he turned his face towards me. I leaned forward, and pressed my lips to every tear that fell down his face. My lips drew from his cheekbone to his chin. He sighed, and gripped my arm.

I pulled away, and my eyes glanced down at his lips. "Did you really mean it when you said that you love me?" He whispered, and his chest rose and fell quickly. I got my face really close to his, and I felt the tension buzzing in the small space between us. "More than I love myself." I muttered, and he smirked.

I drew back and he blinked at me, that small smile straying across his lips. I felt a flutter in my heart; emotion looked so good on him. "What about you, Spock? What do you think about all this?" I asked.

He bit his lip, thinking before answering. "This whole situation is highly illogical, as I am a Vulcan and we do not feel." He started, which made my heart drop. He didn't love me. That's where this was going, wasn't it?

His fingers brushed over mine. "But, around you, Captain, it's so hard not to." He sighed.

I couldn't wait any longer, capturing his lips with my own, and shivers ran through me. Fireworks exploded inside of me, and I knew that Spock felt the same thing because he gasped, leaning into the kiss. It felt so right, and he fit into me perfectly.

He moaned, something very human for him to do. I could he was holding it back, and the flush on his cheeks showed me that he was slightly embarrassed. I moaned back, pressing my body closer to his so that he would know that it was okay. I think I was going to like this new power I had over him.

His hands snaked into my hair, deepening the kiss. I responded immediately, pushing my tongue into his mouth. He gasped, and sighed.

I broke the kiss, both of us breathing heavily. My heart felt so happy that I was afraid that it might burst. He was breathless, eyes still shut. I brushed my lips over his once more in a soft, more intimate kiss and he opened his eyes and laughed. I could hear the joy in it, and I loved it. I'd never heard him laugh before and it was so beautiful.

He cleared his throat. "Jim, I didn't know that you could bring this out in me." He joked. "I'm glad that I can." I smiled and pressed my forehead to his. "T'hy'la." He whispered to me, and kissed me again.


	8. Chapter 8

EPILOUGE

Kirk's POV

"Captain on za Breedge!" Chekov announced, and I smirked at hearing his accent. Spock looked up immediately, making my heart drum quietly.

It'd been about a month since I'd been admitted into the hospital. Spock had informed me about his break up with Uhura, and Scotty later told me that she was taking it pretty hard. He also said that nobody on the ship knew a thing about our secret relationship, except for him and Bones, which I was okay with. They were our best friends after all.

I was completely better, with no side effects. Spock had insisted that the Enterprise not leave the station until I returned, and he stayed with me in the hospital too. I had gotten better quickly, but they'd never done the Transfer before on anyone, and so I had to be kept under strict observation by Bones. I guess they figured that if they let me go, that wouldn't happen. Which is probably true.

"Welcome back aboard, Captain." Spock addressed me formally, his expressionless Vulcan face sharp at every angle.

Spock and I had also discussed what it would mean to have a relationship. We agreed not to show affection on the ship, at least, not in front of the crew, which wasn't very hard for Spock. He explained to me that even though he knew how to feel, the Vulcan barriers inside of him still exsisted, which I respected. How could I ask him to change a part of himself?

I also liked that he saved his human emotions for me. It looked so good on him, and I'm glad that I was the only one who got to see it. Girls and boys would drooling all over him if he showed it all the time.

"Captain, you may return to your quarters. Scotty has informed me that the ship will not be ready to leave until tomorrow morning." Sulu reported, and I nodded, relaxing. I walked past Spock. I brushed my fingers over his subtly for a quick Vulcan kiss, which was now our signal we used to meet each other privately. "I think I'll go too." Spock sighed, and we both shuffled out.

The elevator doors closed behind us, and I slammed my hand onto the STOP button. The elevator snapped to a stop, and I shoved Spock up against the wall, pinning him and latching my lips onto his neck. He gasped in unexpected pleasure and arched his back into me.

"I've missed you, Jim." He moaned, his hands slipping up to my shoulders to draw me closer to him. I ran my fingers up and down his body, humming against his skin. "Someone might see us." He warned, and I drew my lips away, bringing myself up to face him.

"I think that makes it more exciting, don't you?" I whispered, letting my hand fall on his inner thigh. He kissed me passionately and that same jolt struck my heart at the feeling of his lips on mine.

I'm a guy that feels too much. He's a guy that doesn't feel at all. We're perfect for each other.


End file.
